11.10.20.  On the 3rd of October 2020, you went to meet your maker.. You went to a better place. I watched them take you in thr hearse, to your final resting place. A place of no pain, no medications, no illness.

I avoided thr hugs of those around me, even tho it was unavoidable. It was cold and empty. I took no comfort from anyone’s embrace. Not my mums not my sisters, not my husband. I actually cant even remember if my husband did embrace me. I took comfort in the 2 rakats nafl salat i read immediately after the body left, away from thr family, away from the crying and wailing. As i left the room, i couldnt ignore the hugs. The hugs that suffocated me, the embraces that lasted too long. The repeated words to which I politely said thank you, Jazakallah and Aameen to. Throughout the day i could not find a spot to lie down at, or sometimes even just sit relaxed. Every bed was taken, every corner filled with funeral goers. I just wanted to lie down.
Greeted by many who immediately connected with the loss, due their own loss of a parent, their emotions all coming out in different ways. People telling me it doesn’t get easier, it only gets harder, wasnt much comfort at all. Telling me about their struggle with their loss, or their story of loss.. At a time when i had just had the greatest loss of my life. And yet we had come to a point of saying goodbye to my dad days before, of telling him to let go, that we will be ok, that he will be reunited with his parents, and he will be in  green gardens, with rivers of milk. Our grief started when he was still alive, dying one organ at a time. One day at a time. That was my new motto.. One day at a time.. Everything came to a standstill in the 3 months we nurtured him, and watched him wither away. Plans for anything, for the weekend, for business meetings.. One day at a time. Self care.. Non existant. One day at a time.